Conquering Fear Through Faith
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Standing at that door, my heart pounding in my chest and tears blurred my vision. I knew. In that moment, I knew I just couldn’t live through one more betrayal, one more rejection, one more lie, one more…
Still, this tiny thread of … maybe. How could I be done and still have a small glimmer of hope? I looked back. Maybe? Maybe he’ll stop. Maybe he’ll choose me. Maybe he’ll choose this family. Maybe God will intervene in this very last second before I’m forced to file a change of my marital status. Just maybe, one last ditch effort.
Life as a single mom was coming and it looked terrifying!
Fear Had My Heart
Being a stay at home, homeschooling mom for almost half my life and now I stood staring with the white washed face of fear at the unknown.
And I was afraid. I saw two options. Stay. Continue in this cycle of madness or leave. Leaving meant relief from my current pain, but brought its own fears wrapped in unknown territories.
How was I to support myself and two kids?
What job could I possibly get that would provide enough?
What about homeschooling? Is public school my only choice now?
Would the kids be okay? Oh my babies, Mommy is so sorry I couldn’t make this marriage work. I’m so sorry.
Where would we live?
We’ve lost so much, how much more will we lose?
I was afraid. As fear of my unknown future continually crept closer and closer I felt paralyzed. Mad. Hurt. Exhausted.
Fear threatened my peace! With stress levels through the roof, my circumstances consumed my day to day activities.
What would my church think? What would God say when it’s my turn to stand alone before Him? Standing for years and years in hopes of restoration, having done everything I could possibly do left me lost. “I’m exhausted Lord,” I’d pray. “I’m past my breaking point, I tried so hard. Please forgive my failure.” Amen.
Partly the reason I held on all those years was I wanted to make sure that I knew I could stand before God, fall at His feet, and know without a doubt that He knew I had done everything I humanly could do to save this family.
Fear of Single Motherhood
Where our thoughts lead our emotions follow. Fear was robbing me of my truth. Who I was. Who I belonged to. Who held my future. Who had good plans for me. Yes, even “good plans” for this – single motherhood.
Fear mocked me on both sides. If I stayed with him there would be continued pain. Single motherhood was equally dripping with the restraint of fear.
Fear sat lurking at both doors. Both pathways gripped my heart. I didn’t want either, but these two choices is what I was given. Stay in a painful marriage, enduring betrayal after betrayal or take the door to single motherhood.
Single motherhood is what I chose. Finally choosing to stand up for not only myself, but for my kids. I didn’t want them thinking this was normal and a healthy marriage and family dynamic. And God walked with me.
Faith Over Fear in Single Motherhood
God showed up, in only a way that He can. In only a way that He can, He came. Every time I’d started shaking from the inside out, He came. When I was down to my last penny and needed money to pay a bill or feed the kids, He came. When lawyer fees piled up and bills filled my heart with anxiety, He came. EVERY TIME. Despite my lack of faith. God showed up.
God showed up in scripture as He lovingly started guiding me, leading me, calling to me, and soothing me. He faithfully provided just the right amount of funds for every bill to be covered and enough food for every meal.
He also worked on mending my heart. He reminded me that He sings over me (Zephaniah 3:17), calls me by name (Isaiah 43:1), has good plans for me (Jeremiah 29:11), and that He is my protector (Psalm 18:2) and provider (Philippians 4:19). He reminded me of my identity in Christ.
I sat at His feet often. Still do. It’s my favorite place to be. Taking my fear to Him. Grieving. Lamenting. Praising Him. Talking to Him. Allowing His Word to settle deeply into my heart.
My creator and only Being in the universe that could get to the root of my fear was rescuing me. I am so unworthy and yet He showed up. He didn’t have to prove Himself to me, but He knew what I needed. He showed me His hand and His love over my life.
My faith grew as I saw God provide and protect. It grew as I desperately clung to Him for literately everything I needed and my fear of being a single mom started to diminish a little more and a little more with every day I chose to trust Him.
Dependence on God
At times, healing looks like two steps backwards and one step forward.
Look at the story of Joesph. Joseph was the 11th of 12 sons given to Jacob. His mother was Rachel. Read Genesis 37-50. He had vivid dreams that translated to his brothers bowing down to him. They hated his dreams and their father favoring him made it worse. They began to plot his demise.
They put him in a pit and decided to sell him into slavery. He was bought by a high ranking Egyptian named Potiphar. Potiphar’s wife falsely accused him of lewd behavior and he was thrown into prison. Years he stayed in prison. He had to take so many steps backwards. He stood innocent and still had to go through all that pain.
The Lord was with Joseph so that he prospered, and he lived in the house of his Egyptian master.Genesis 39:2
That verse, Genesis 39:2, tells us that through all that pain, through all those steps backwards, God was with Joseph and he prospered. Eventually, Joseph was promoted to Prime Minister of Egypt and with God leading him, he saved his family and Egypt from a 7 year famine.
I’ve taken more steps backwards than I ever wanted, but God shows me He is with me through it all. Not that it’s easy being a single mom, because it’s super hard. So hard. But my heart and mind now knows I can trust God to take care of me in the hard times as well as in the good times.
I can trust God, because even though He didn’t have to He covered me in His love. In my unfaithfulness, He was faithful. In my unbelief, He showed up and showed me His great love. In my pain, He showed me mercy. In my fear, He showed me faith.
Faith over fear is how I’m choosing to take those two steps back and one step forward as I thrive as a single mom. I’m excited for the plans God has for me in this season of my life and for my future.
Are you a single mom or going through a hard season of life right now? Do you feel like you are having to take two steps back to get one step forward?
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